The Rules of the Jersey (pt.1)

The Rules of the Jersey (pt.1)

(The Rules of the Jersey is a multi-piece installment by our very own Raphael De La Ghetto.)

We all have been to a sporting event at least once in our lives and witnessed something that offends us. Some get bothered by the drunk obnoxious guy, spilling beer and screaming obscenities in front of their children or business partners (fuck these people too, but not in this article). Others take offense to terrible officiating, or play on the field/court/rink… I however, am not bothered by any of these, as I am usually the aforementioned drunk, I am bothered by something that most people don’t take the time to actually notice.

This site in itself fits right into the idea that I have had for this article over the years. I’ve seen other people write their thoughts on the subject many times before, but frankly, none of these people are even remotely as entertaining as I am. So without further self exaltation, I bring you “The Rules of the Jersey”

Rule Number One:

The first rule in wearing jerseys is you don’t….yea lame fucking Fight Club joke, never seen one of those before. Anyway, the first rule is, DON’T TUCK THE FUCKING THING IN.

Look at this asshole. Seriously. Have you ever worn a hockey jersey? These things not only are usually pretty big in size (being made to wear over a lot of equipment) but the material isn’t exactly the lightest thing either.

Oh, AC, you spent so many years as a fashion icon back in the day on Saved By the Bell, with the Jerry Curl afro, the acid washed denim pulled up way too high, among many other wonders of the era. You are an international ICON for christ’s sake. You have been on countless successful television shows, probably made hundreds upon hundreds of dollars over the years, and yet AC you show up with a TUCKED IN BASEBALL JERSEY … Sorry man, but not even that dirty whore of a girlfriend Jessie Spano is going to accept this behavior, and she takes it in the ass.

Rule Number Two:

As the site name says- NO PINK JERSEYS. Not even T shirts, Hats, fucking sparkly shit, just NO.

The first reason why this rule holds so much weight is because the goddamned team does not wear pink. It’s not cute that you wear a pink jersey to the game with your boyfriend, it’s not cute that you and all your friends have crushes on the Quarterback, so you all got matching pink jerseys with his name on it in the hopes of possibly being his personal spunk locker for the evening. Women in pink sporting apparel gives the girls who actually give a fuck about the game (our own /Labattboo for instance) a bad rep right from the get go. I personally have a fucking 10 foot hard on for a chick who can sit there, drink a beer (not fucking Heineken or one Rolling Rock) eat a cheeseburger, and debate sports. It’s the trifecta, and it’s awesome. You waify little bitches and your mini-skirts and pink jerseys are one of the major reason what is wrong with pro sports today. MARKETING. Why can’t just wear a jersey like everyone else? Why does it need to be PINK? You buying these awful things for your kids, girlfriends, moms, wives, etc, just perpetuates the idea that you are too stupid to follow the sport, so hey, let’s go ahead and put you in a pretty pink shirt so when you are at the game annoying the ever-loving shit out of the people who actually want to be there with questions like “What time is this gonna be over?” or “Why is it called a Softball when it’s hard?” You stop buying the pink apparel, stop feeding the cycle, if the bitch can’t follow the game or isn’t interested in it, don’t put her on display, leave her ass at home and bring one of your buddies.

There are a few exceptions to the pink rule. Girls under the age of 5 are acceptable. Pretty much the only thing a father can dress his daughter in that he will appreciate. There is one other exception, and it’s the obvious cancer connection. Any woman who has beaten cancer has the right to wear whatever the fuck they want, and not even the biggest asshole in the world (*cough*me*cough*) can say different.

In the next installment of “The Rules of the Jersey” I am going to get a little deeper into the the debate of your own name on a team jersey. See ya next time fuckstains.